By dotropolis on Tuesday, January 14th, 2014
…and second chances.
The last full weekend I spent with her wasn’t that great. Something was telling me I should’ve been elsewhere but I forced myself to see her anyway and spend the weekend downtown. When I saw her in a black and white dress the first night, I gave her a halfway hug and I didn’t want the hug to last too long. It wasn’t her. It was me. But I didn’t know why the urge to be away from her was so strong when we’ve been on the same page since we met. A lot of my interactions with her felt forced. I promise, it wasn’t her. Maybe my mind was on work or my mother being sick still or music or the future or how much money I could’ve saved if we didn’t spend it on a hotel or stressing about if she was truly interested in me or not. I don’t know.
A month later she kissed somebody else. The night she did it I was making her a personal Christmas present. This happened the week of Thanksgiving, two days after I stood in the Black Friday line, twice, for the PS4. I wanted to end whatever we had going on between us. I didn’t need to think about it. But my cousin reminded me of how happy I was when I first met her and how much we complimented each other. She said she never heard me be excited about anybody like that and she deserved a second chance. My other friend echoed the same thing. “You know…she could’ve just lied about it and not told you at all.” She didn’t cheat because we wasn’t together. It was still the same feeling though. Like somebody stabbed me in the stomach with a knife and dragged it further and further down the more I thought about it and the more she described what happened. A sharp, twisting pain that I can’t stand and that I feel anytime we talk about it. Before this, we was thinking about possibly planning a future together. But all I’m trying to do now is forgive her. It’s hard because she’s a free spirit. Free spirits are attractive and they’re attracted to moments. And I have a fear I guess of being a moment. So that makes me a little detached on one hand. On the other hand, another part of me wants to cling on to her. Not to drag down her spirit but almost, with my actions, say, “Our spirits work well together. Fly next to mines for a while. I know I sound like an idiot and I know you like being spontaneous but believe in me. You won’t regret it. Trust me.” However, I can’t tell her to trust me when I can’t even trust her, right? I told her on the phone last night that I need to double check and triple check that I want to move forward with her. She didn’t say anything. Just the occasional loud sigh into my ear. Then today I asked her a question regarding our future and she said “If I didn’t think about the future, I wouldn’t be here.” Free spirits don’t think about the future, do they? Maybe I was wrong about her. Maybe I don’t even know her.
That could be our problem.